Back to Chapter 4 – Part 2


- - + MATSUMOTO JUN + - -


"What are you doing?" a voice behind Jun asks, too close to his ear and he almost jumps up from his chair in surprise.

Turning around, of course he's not surprised to see his colleague Toma – holding his obligatory cup of coffee (Jun is wondering if his friend is a serious addict) – and he sighs in relief. At least there is no need to hide the website he's browsing at the moment then.

"Do you believe in soulmates, they ask?" Toma reads the header of the website and takes a sip of his coffee. Jun cannot see it but he bets that the other man is arching an eyebrow critically.

"I'm doing some research on this topic... for an article," Jun says, clearing his throat.

Toma takes his place on the chair next to Jun's working space and chuckles. "I actually would believe you if I didn't know how obsessed you're with your little girlfriend and the thought of being fated for each other, lately. With this, you cannot fool me. Uhm... but don't worry, I won't tell our boss that you're using the computer for private stuff," he adds when he sees Jun's death glare.

"Good," Jun mumbles. "Better for you."

Toma chuckles again before he focuses on his own work.

Since the day Jun signed up in that specific forum to get more information about reincarnation, he's been browsing it regularly, drawn into the fascinating world, tons of theories and stories, shared by people, of how they think they experience reincarnation themselves and whatever else he can find there. Just yesterday, he even opened his own topic, telling his own story (of course without using real names), curious about how people will react and which advice they may give him. He still cannot remember his and Ohno's past, even if it's what he wants the most. It doesn't take too long when he gets his first reply, and he reads it carefully.

- - - - - - - - - -

Comment by ShotaS

- - - - - - - - - -

Hello, MJ, nice to meet you.

Your story is very interesting and it really sounds like you found your soulmate, so congratulations on this! I think, it's admirable that even if you yourself don't remember your past life yet, you actually do believe what your girlfriend says. That's proving how much you trust each other and also a proof of your joint past, imo.

Tbh, I wished, my soulmate would be as open-minded as you are! I didn't share this story on my own here, but I want to share it with you now. I found him just recently but so far, he doesn't really believe in what I'm telling him, in fact I guess he must think I'm completely crazy. How I'm convinced then that it is him, you ask? At first I didn't see him clearly in my dreams and didn't realize that they are actually memories but ever since I found him in real life, I just know it!

Furthermore, I found proof. He has a birthmark on his back very similar to a birthmark that I carry on my wrist and I'm convinced that those are the spots on which we shared a tattoo in our past life, to prove our love to each other. Anyway, it's still a long way for me to convince him. I think though, the more time we spend together (he seems to open up a little, recently), the better the chances that he will actually remember.

So don't give up and keep on meeting your girlfriend! Let her tell you about her dreams but don't stress yourself, I'm sure, memory will find you soon! Hang in there and good luck!

Greetings, S

- - - - - - - - - -

Jun has to admit that his heart feels much lighter after reading this encouraging message and he plans to answer it as soon as possible, which will be once he returns home this evening. For now, he really has to focus on work matters. With that he clicks away the tab of the internet browser and returns to the document he's working on currently, doing some last bit of revising on an interview with an ikebana artist he met a few days ago.

At home, just after Jun replied to ShotaS' comment in the internet forum, when he's finally lying on his couch in a comfortable position, the young man starts a call to his girlfriend, with a well-deserved can of beer standing on the low table in front of him. His heartbeat increases with each beep that he hears ringing in his ear and when Ohno finally picks up the call, Jun breaks into a smile. Like every day when they don't meet, they talk for a fair bit of time, exchanging details from their days and more.

Her cute chuckle makes Jun's heart bloom and he finds himself complimenting her cute personality for the nth time, surely making her blush intensely and he loves the fact that he's the one bringing such an effect onto the woman he loves. He seriously cannot remember when was the last time in his life that he's been so happy.

They end the call with a promise to call each other the next day again and Jun reaches for his beer, taking a sip, satisfies, his thoughts still occupied with his cute girlfriend. He's absolutely sure that this time, things will work out. He's convinced that he found the woman of his life in Ohno.

He cringes a bit in surprise, when his cell phone suddenly vibrates again and he immediately checks it, just to find that he received a message of the exact woman who occupies his thoughts at that moment. He smiles widely when he opens the message and reads it.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sender: Ohno Satoko-san
Subject: Invitation
Attachment: map.jpg

Dear Jun-kun,

Thank you very much for your sweet good night call. I hope we will be able to meet in our dreams.

It's been almost a month since you interviewed me and we first kissed after the kabuki performance. I consider myself very lucky to have found you, my soulmate, in this life. I enjoy the time we spend together and I hope for you it's the same.

I would like to invite you to my place on Saturday afternoon, 4 pm, for a comfy home date, watching some DVDs and cuddling on the couch. Please let me know if this is convenient to you. If yes, please check out the attachment, I sent you my address with a map so that you can find the way to my apartment.

Because you told me you like Mont Blanc, I'll try to prepare some. I hope you will like them!

Looking forward to welcome you at my place.

Love,
Ohno ♥

- - - - - - - - - -

- + -

"Jun-kun! You're here!"

When Ohno opens the door, Jun's heart skips a beat. His girlfriend welcomes him with her usual friendly, slightly shy smile and she's dressed up nicely. Her brown shoulder long hair is slightly curly and she's wearing a dark blue, wonderful dress, her shoulders covered by a light blue, short sleeved bolero. Around her neck lays a nice silver necklace with several small blue, leaf shaped pendants, the colour matching perfectly with the dress.

"Thank you very much for the invitation," the young journalist says when he finally finds back his voice, still overwhelmed by the beauty of the woman standing in the door frame, now making space for him to enter the apartment.

"Please come in," she says friendlily, offering him some slippers when he enters. "I'm sorry, my place is pretty small."

"No problem at all," Jun says, smiling, his heart beating fast from the excitement. "I'm happy to have the chance to see how you live."

Ohno's place is quite small, but also very comfortable. It's not a typical girl's place, Jun thinks, the curtains and furniture are mostly in white, elegant but neutral. But he can spot some flowers in a vase standing on the small table in the kitchen as well as a few plants standing in the shelves in the living room. And there are also some fluffy, colourful pillows on the bed in the bed-living room, accompanied by a huge plush animal. And of course there are several painting materials, obviously stored away carefully to make the place fit for guests, and even if Jun expected an arts student's place to be a bit messier, the apartment is very clean. He likes it a lot.

After gesturing to Jun to sit down on a pillow at the low table in the middle of the room, Ohno hurries to the kitchen to get a tray already filled with two cups of tea and – as Jun can see when she comes around the counter – two servings of Mont Blanc, his favourite sweets. Again, Jun's heart skips a beat and he's sure that he's showing quite a silly grin now on his face, but he just cannot hide his joy and happiness over Ohno's gesture to go through the trouble to actually make those for him.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't bring any sweets since you said you'll make something," Jun explains his empty hands, not revealing the secret that he has something else in his pocket, a present for Ohno. He plans to give it to her, later.

"Don't worry, it's totally fine. I don't want to trouble you with bringing things along when I invite you," Ohno smiles, placing the cup of tea and the small plate with the Mont Blanc in front of her guest.

"It looks so delicious, really!" Jun compliments the sweets, causing Ohno to blush and hide behind the now empty tray.

She sits down too, brushing her dress straight, and tilts her head with a cute smile, pointing at the sweets, encouraging her boyfriend to try it. "Please, take a bite."

Of course, Jun cannot hold back any longer and he reaches for the small fork letting it sink through the light brown chestnut cream and icing sugar covered whipped cream. The consistency is perfect, the smell is sweet but not intrusive and when the fork goes through the crispy meringue on the basis it makes his mouth water. He cannot wait to taste it and just as expected, the melting of the creams and the meringue in his mouth create a burst of flavour that makes him sigh in happiness. He chews the bite carefully until the last bit of cream melted and then he turns to Ohno who is looking at him with wide eyes and a shy look, eager to hear his comments.

"Ohno-san," he starts, darting at the Mont Blanc with the tip of his fork, "This is unbelievably delicious, really! I love it!" he smiles widely after licking a last bit of cream from his lips.

"Really?" the young woman asks with a happy smile, bringing her hands in front of her chest and sighing in relief. "I'm so glad that you like it! Please, eat up, I have second servings too in the refrigerator!"

"I'm digging in, thank you so much!" Jun answers and dedicates himself to the rest of his Mont Blanc, enjoying every single bite of it and even half of the second servings that he shares with Ohno afterwards.

Their "home date" as Ohno calls it, is going very well. As always, they enjoy talking to each other about everything under the sun, but especially, Jun enjoys Ohno's stories about her dreams, featuring both of them as the main protagonists. He even convinced her to show him some pages of the dream diary she once told him about. She's too shy to show some of the pages (and Jun hopes that the dreams written down there feature some not so innocent scenes that they maybe can be able to re-enact soon, slapping himself for his dirty mind. In the end, she shows him various pages with drawings in different materials like pencil, watercolour or ink, all of them showing one motive – Jun's face. He's stunned of how much the pictures look alike him – even with other hair style of course, considering that Ohno's dreams take place hundreds of years ago. He's even more impressed when he sees the date scribbled underneath each and every drawing, showing that those were made long before he and Ohno met.

When Ohno becomes too embarrassed by all the compliments for her drawings, she finally puts away her diary again and suggests to Jun about watching a DVD, moving to the bed where it's much more comfortable. Of course, the young man doesn't object and so Ohno puts in the disc into the DVD-player and they sit down on the fluffy blanket that's covering the bed sheets. The young woman cuddles against Jun's chest, blushing, when he lifts one arm and offers her space to snuggle up close.

It doesn't even take half of the movie until the focus of both isn't dedicated to the story on the screen any longer but more onto each other, onto each other's face, each other's eyes, each other's lips. Ohno sighs silently into a passionate kiss they are sharing and Jun cannot hold back and strokes his girlfriend's cheek lovingly, letting his fingers run down her neck, her shoulders, until his hand settles at her waist, waiting there respectfully, not going any further.

It's so obvious and they both know, that the possibility of more happening between them is swaying in the air. Their kisses get more passionate with every minute, their bodies more and more impatient. Jun feels the tension overwhelming his body and he knows, it's just a matter of time, a matter of when Ohno will finally allow him to take the next step. He won't force her to do anything she doesn't like, he promised himself that on the day they started dating. He'll let her decide on what they will do and how fast things will happen between them. But he sincerely hopes that the time of waiting will be over soon, since his love and desire for this woman is growing stronger with each day he knows her.

But suddenly, instead of allowing them to finally get more intimate, Ohno seems to become unfocused and nervous, breaking the contact of their lips faster each time, eventually even drawing back a little. When Jun looks at her, worried, fearing a rejection, her face is flushed red and she is averting her eyes as if she's scared to look at him.

He cups her face, making her eyes turn in his direction and places a soft kiss on top of her nose, smiling.

"Hey, Sweetie, you don't need to be nervous," he says in a low voice. He lets his thumb brush over her cheek. "We can even stop if you want to, even if I... have to admit that it will be a bit... hard for me to let go of you now," he smirks.

Embarrassed, the girl looks away again, starting to bite her lips.

"Ohno-san? Hey, talk to me, what's troubling you?" the young reporter tries again to get through to her.

It takes her a few seconds until she finally raises her voice. "Uhm... Jun-kun?"

"Yes?" he asks, patiently.

"You know, there is something I have to tell you," Ohno says, the nervousness in her voice undeniable.

"What is it? You sound so serious, suddenly," Jun starts to worry.

"Well, it's something really serious."

"Tell me. You know you can tell me anything," he says, trying to reassure her.

She squints her eyes. "I fear that you might hate me, if you find out..."

Jun chuckles softly. "Don't be silly, I could never hate you!"

"I really hope so."

"Now tell me, dear. Are you a virgin or something?" he asks carefully. "You know, I don't have any problem with neither you are or you're not. You're wonderful, you're perfect just as you are."

Jun is kind of surprised when he realises that his words do not have the calming effect he is aiming for, not at all, and that Ohno just continues looking at him with those serious eyes.

"It's something different," she finally says, biting her lips again. Jun can see that whatever she is up to tell him, it must be weighing on her heart heavily. "You know... I feel really bad for hiding this so long from you," Ohno says, her voice breaking slightly. "It's not that I intended to do so, it's more like I didn't consider it as hiding something important from you, at first, since for me it's not a big deal. But I'm aware that this is much more complicated and that it can actually be a very big deal for you, so... I think it's time to finally tell you."

The young journalist will be a liar if he says that he's not a little bit scared now. "Wow, this must be something big, what are you talking about?"

Ohno takes a deep breath. "The truth is that I'm not... an ordinary woman..."

"Not an ordinary woman?" Jun repeats after her and lets out a soft chuckle. He brushes his thumb over Ohno's soft skin again. "Of course not, you're a very special woman."

"I'm pretty sure though I'm special in a way you may not appreciate," Ohno whispers, her eyebrows knitted in sorrow.

Jun frowns. "What do you mean?"

Then finally, Ohno let's drop the bomb. "I'm not a real woman."

Though, for Jun the bomb didn't explode yet, it's just like it's in between them, ticking, like it can be blown up any second, as soon as he fits the missing piece of the puzzle in his mind. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"The truth is... I... kind of am a woman but also not really, I'm also... a man, you know? The young woman continues, trying to explain something that Jun has no idea what she is actually talking about.

"What? Ohno-san, you're confusing me! What do you mean by you're also a man?"

"Do you know what genderqueer means?" she asks, looking at him, insecurely.

"I... do...," Jun answers slowly, quickly browsing each and every information about that term that he might find in his brain.

"Well... to be honest, that's how I am," his girlfriend admits. "I consider myself not as a real woman or a real man, I'm... both somehow, you see? But fact is, I am born... as a man."

"You are born... as a man...," Jun repeats and he feels that the bomb between them is about to explode.

"Maybe... I should better show you," Ohno sighs, nervously.

She reaches up her hand, placing it on top of Jun's hand that had just stopped brushing her cheeks a second ago.

"Wait, what... what are you doing?" Jun asks, slightly panicking.

With trembling hands, Ohno slowly guides his hand down their bodies, towards parts that Ohno hasn't let the young journalist touch before. Jun's finger brushing over her stomach, through the fabric of the nice blue dress and he allows his curious eyes to follow the movement of their hands, down until they reach the skirt of her dress. It's fluffy from the tons of fabric that made up the petty coat like appearance, hiding the shape. Ohno guides Jun's hand further, to her leg, letting him touch her thigh and brush upwards until they reach that specific area between Ohno's legs and finally, the bomb explodes.

Jun sharply pulls in the air between his lips, he holds his breath and his hand stiffens immediately when he feels the obvious bulge there, something that he definitely will not find on a woman's body. His throat suddenly feels so dry and he almost doesn't dare looking at Ohno, knowing that his own expression will show first and foremost pure shock.

"So... this is how it is," Ohno whispers, and when Jun gulps and finally is finding the courage to look at her... him... Ohno again, Ohno's face is flushed red, eyes closed, probably fearing the reaction of the young journalist.

Jun's hand is still lying on the respective body part but when Ohno's grip loosens, he slowly starts pulling his hand back, still staring at the other who finally opens his eyes, eyes that look at Jun as if he is about to start crying.

"I'm sorry, I-," Jun starts, knowing that his action must have hurt Ohno but he's too confused himself to know what's right or wrong at the moment. He isn't even able to finish his sentence, his mind becomes just a huge blank room, and he is unable to find the right words.

"Jun-kun...," Ohno's voice sounds like a faint whisper, his voice trembling, breaking away.

"Ohno-san... I...," Jun honestly doesn't know how to properly react to this.

He's seriously shocked, his heart aches so much suddenly, dreams of a joint future, imaginations of him and Ohno being together start crumbling down inside of him. Ohno isn't the woman he thought, Ohno lied to him, told him, they were a married couple in the past, a man and a woman in love with each other over decades, over death. Ohno deceived him, made him believe he is a woman. Him, a straight man, formerly famous for chasing every woman he finds attractive, searching for the woman of his life for all of his life and now that he thought he has finally found her... she is a man...

A man. And Jun cannot be in love with a man. That's all he can think about right now. He never liked men that way, not at all, he didn't even consider that possibility for himself. He's into women. He wants to get married, wants to have children, with the woman of his life.

"I'm sorry, I just can't...," Jun starts, shaking his head slightly. "I just can't..."

He finally stands up, hurriedly, feeling the urge to flee from the situation as long as his brain refuses to think straight. He reaches to the low table next to the bed, grabbing his things and he's about to run through the room to reach the apartment's door and leave when he hears Ohno's voice behind him, tearing a crack in his heart.

"Jun-kun, please!" he sobs. "I'm so sorry about everything, really! Just... please, believe me, I sincerely love you, I didn't want to lie to you, I just... it's complicated, you know?"

"You made me believe, you're a woman," Jun says, without turning back and just letting the first words that come to his mind from within a dense fog leave his mouth. "You... betrayed me..."

"I cannot change the fact that I am not a real woman, I... I wished I could, for your sake, but I can't! It is my only hope that you may maybe... just maybe accept me as who I am," Ohno continues, desperately and his sobbing sounds so pitiful, it makes Jun feel even worse. "I can understand if you cannot love someone like me, but please, please forgive me. Please... don't hate me!"

Ohno doesn't say more after this and just tries to calm down his sobs. Jun still doesn't have the courage to turn back and face him. He's still too confused, his heart, his mind, every cell of his body is screaming from the confusion and frustration he's going through at this very moment. He doesn't know what's right or wrong any longer.

"I'm sorry, Ohno-san," he finally whispers. "I need some time to think about this. Good night."

With those words, Jun takes his last steps toward the apartment door, hurriedly puts on his shoes and grabs his jacket. He leaves, letting the door fall shut behind him with a numbing noise, locking out Ohno's sobs and crying voice, locking Ohno out from his life, at least for now. When he puts his hands into his jacket’s pocket, he feels the small package that is still placed there, the present that he intended to give Ohno at the end of the day. He clenches it tightly.


- - + OHNO SATOSHI + - -


When Ohno sees Nino coming to the campus, dressed in his last day's clothes and walking next to the same guy – someone pretty new, a young assistant professor or so - for the second time in a row, he cannot help but smirk. Maybe he is just wildly assuming or imagining things but looking at his newly found friend, he thinks that the young student looks kind of nervous – the good kind of nervous – being close to that man who talks to him vividly, flashing him wide smiles. Further, Ohno hasn't seen Nino coming to the campus together with that woman who probably was his girlfriend, for a few days now. And maybe he imagines this too, but right now, Nino looks much less grumpy and much happier than he looks when he's together with her.

He decides to send Nino a message, not the first one, since they exchanged phone numbers after their last conversation, and suggests meeting in the theatre clubroom in the afternoon, since he wants to talk to him about something. Nino replies about half an hour later, saying that he will come.

The theatre club doesn't have a scheduled meeting this afternoon and so nobody else is in the clubroom when most classes are over and people start going home after their lectures. Ohno is sitting at the table in the corner next to the window, the same table at which he and Nino had their last conversation. His legs are hanging loose, swaying back and forth as if he's pretending that he is sitting on a swing, aiming for the clouds with each movement. But actually, his head is the only thing in the clouds and his eyes try to catch the silhouettes dancing through the afternoon sky, dipped in multiple colours, with the sun setting already in the back. He tries to go through a few lines of "Akatsuki", the kabuki ensemble still has a few performances coming up and he knows how important practice is. However, his thoughts cannot really focus and just trail away, to Jun…

It's when someone slides the door to the room open and enters, that Ohno gets pulled out of his thoughts and focuses onto the other young man who approaches him, his one hand holding onto the strap of his shoulder bag that he's about to pull off and the other hand lifted to greet him casually.

"Hey, Nino," Ohno greets back with a friendly smile and jumps from the table.

"Ohno-senpai, you wanted to talk?" the young student asks, putting his bag onto the table and fishing two cans of tea out of it, handing one to Ohno who thanks him properly before starting some small talk.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you… I bet, you have better things to do?"

"No worries," Nino smiles. "It's no problem."

"Great," Ohno says as they settle down on their usual chairs. To be honest, he's pretty nervous and he needs some assurance from his friend. "You know, I wanted to tell you that I decided to tell Jun-kun the truth… about me."

Nino looks at him, a bit surprised but quickly gets hold of his expression, turning it into a smile. "Really? That's good!" he exclaims, sincerely but Ohno can see the slight worry on his friend's face.

"I know, you must think that it's risky, right?" the older asks in a low voice, opening the can of tea to take a first sip.

Nino tilts his head. "Well, I was the one saying that you should tell him, and I still think that it's the right thing to do, but I would be a liar if I say I'm not worried. I don't know that guy, I have no idea how he might react to your confession. I want to believe in the love you two share but I can't help but wonder... I don't want you to get hurt."

"Thanks for your kind words, Nino," Ohno smiles at him, genuinely grateful. It's amazing, how fast he was able to become friends with that guy, they never thought that they have much in common until recently but since then they are growing together somehow and Ohno is happy that he can call them friends now.

"How do you intend to tell him?" Nino asks, curiously.

"I thought about inviting him to my place... since I feel most comfortable there," the older student starts. "I will need all my courage to tell him."

The younger gives Ohno an encouraging smile. "I'm sure you'll be able to do so. I wish you good luck!"

"Thank you! I'll give my best!"

"Are you confident?" Nino finally dares asking after drinking from his tea. "It's not that I want to discourage you or something, it is just pure curiosity, really," he quickly adds, waiving his hand a little.

Ohno chuckles. "I have to think positive, right? It's not that I have much choice, I have to tell him sooner or later."

Nino doesn't answer, focusing on his tea. Maybe he has doubts, just like Ohno has and it's understandable. Then, the young student suddenly looks at him as if he wants to ask him something else but isn't brave enough to do so.

Ohno tilts his head, smiling at him. "Is there also something you want to talk about?"

Nino purses his lips and then sighs as he reaches up his hand to scratch the mole on his chin slightly. He then looks at Ohno, frowning slightly. "You know this whole topic of reincarnation and soulmates… I told you I don't believe in it but to be honest, I'm seriously starting to question it."

"Really?" the older man asks surprised. "Did something special happen that makes you think so?"

"Well, yeah… kind of?" Nino frowns even more, he looks puzzled. "I'm not sure if I had some kind of flashback recently or something similar and soon after, I had this dream… a very vivid dream. And I have to admit after talking to you, recently, and thinking about it for a while, I'm not sure if it is maybe something like a memory of a past life... instead of just a simple dream. I'm used to vivid dreams, you see? It's my inspiration when I'm writing stories, but this time, it feels completely different..."

Ohno nods understanding, remembering the time when he started to have those dreams about his past life. How vivid they were, how real they felt and how impressed he was about how clearly he could remember them most of the time after waking up, until he was convinced that they must be more than simple dreams. "Sometimes, it's hard to tell, but if you feel like there's a connection to the past, maybe it is."

"Maybe. And then... there's more," Nino continues.

"What is it?"

"I met someone," the young student says. "And he says, that I am the reincarnation of his lover!"

"Oh! Wait, you mean that young assistant professor?" Ohno points at Nino, clearly remembering the face of the man the other came to university with this morning. "What's his name? I forgot it, I only heard about him joining the faculty this semester."

"Eh? How do you know who I'm talking about?" Nino wondered, seriously confused.

"I saw you coming to university together this morning. Again," Ohno smirks and lifts one eyebrow at Nino, challenging him to explain himself.

"Oh, yeah… well... His name is Sakurai Sho, he's the assistant professor of Sakamoto-sensei from my literature courses."

"Why did you two come here together?" Ohno asks curiously but when he sees his friend blushing nicely, he doesn't want to dig too deep for now, so he just keeps on. "So he claims to be your soulmate?"

"Kind of."

"And now you wonder if he's right?" the older man completes the other's thoughts.

Nino nods, sheepishly. "Yeah… Well, I'm not sure, I'm confused," he admits. "It's just… a feeling. What he tells me, how he treats me, and… he even appears in my dreams. It's just small things but they sound similar to what you told me and it makes me seriously doubt what I said before."

"You don't remember him, right?" Ohno wants to confirm.

"As I said, I don't know, this dream, it feels so… real somehow."

"It's hard to describe, right?"

"It is," Nino sighs again.

Ohno smiles. His friend was adorable, cute when he's confused. "Do you feel something for that person?"

The young student takes a deep breath and even if he tries to hide his blushing cheeks, it's helpless. "I don't know if it's connected to this reincarnation thing or if it's just a crush or something but I think, I am starting to like him, yes."

"Maybe that's enough proof for a past connection?" Ohno offers, smiling.

"I'm still not 100% convinced."

"Talk to him," the older says.

"Eh?" Nino stares at him.

"About your dreams," the other man continues. "If he has such dreams too, that's it. He didn't tell you about any dreams yet, I assume?"

"We don't know each other that well yet…," Nino murmurs.

"But you spent the night with him?" Ohno chuckles.

Nino blushes even more. "I didn't! I… just happened to sleep over at his place, that's all!"

"You're not a couple yet, right?"

"No," Nino says, his voice sounding a bit shocked. "Of course not!"

"What about that girl who you used to hang out with?" Ohno continues to question him. He wants to confirm things, to get a picture of the whole situation after all.

"Ah... you mean Keiko?" Nino arches his eyebrow, wondering. "She was my girlfriend. I broke up with her the other day."

"I see," Ohno hums. "I was already wondering why I didn't see you together any longer. Did you break up with her because of him?"

"I… I don't know," Nino stammers. "...Maybe?"

"So you like him?"

Nino doesn't answer but there is no need to. The answer is written on his face.

"And he likes you, right?" Ohno tries it the other way round.

Nino tilts his head again, hiding his blushing face behind his arm but he cannot fool Ohno. "He says he does, and he kissed me. Not only once."

The older man smirks and reaches out his hand to pat his friend's shoulder. "I guess then it's your turn now."

- + -

The meeting with Jun on the following Saturday ends in the worst state imaginable. Well, maybe not in the worst, Jun could have yelled at Ohno or hit him or god-knows-what he could have done to him after he found out that Ohno has been lying to him for several weeks now. And told him in probably the worst situation for telling someone something like this, ever.

However, when Jun leaves Ohno's apartment, saying that he "betrayed him" it feels almost like a fatal stab through the student's heart and as soon as the other closed the door behind him, Ohno breaks down on his bed in tears, his body trembling and his heart hurting like it never did before. If he didn't know before what a broken heart felt like, now he knows it just too well. It's like not only the heart in his chest but also the whole world around him is breaking apart, turning colourless and losing all the lights and hopes he put there. It's over…

Of course, Ohno knows that it's his own fault. What he did to Jun might not have been due to his bad intention but no matter how you look at it, it's completely understandable that Jun feels betrayed by the woman he loves. It's completely understandable that he, as a straight guy, is totally shocked by this disclosure and it's also completely understandable that he isn't able to face Ohno any longer now. He betrayed him. He shocked him. He lost him.

Ohno cries for what feels like hours, but honestly, he totally lost the feeling for time and has no idea how much time eventually passed when his eyes and throat feel so dry that he stops crying. His head feels like bursting, his chest aches and his limbs have fallen numb but he doesn't care. He just lies there on his bed, his face still wet with tears, the brown hair of his wig messed up and he doesn't even want to know how he looks like at the moment. His look falls onto the low table in the middle of the room, the used plates and teacups still there. With the memory of Jun sitting there and enjoying Ohno's Mont Blanc, the tears return again, Ohno buries his face in the fluffy pillow he's holding in his arms. He sobs heartbreakingly.

About half an hour later, he finally stands up, his feet feeling like jelly but he cannot stand the look of the used plates on that table any longer. He takes them to the kitchen but his hands feel so weak that just before he can put the dishes into the sink, they slip through his fingers, crashing to the floor, bursting into countless pieces. Ohno curses, he screams, he cries again and then breaks down on the floor. His vision blurred, he tries to pick up the pieces but he cannot grasp them, he feels too weak. Eventually, he decides to put away the ruined plates later and go back to bed.

He spots his cell phone that he had put to mute during Jun's visit lying on the bedside table and when he approaches the bed again, he reaches out with his trembling hand to the device. He nervously slides away the screen saver, to check if maybe… just maybe, he might have received a call, or a message from Jun, that maybe a miracle is waiting for him.

There isn't a miracle waiting on his phone, but there is a message from Nino on their LINE chat and when Ohno reads the message "Good luck! Tell me how it went!" followed by an encouraging cute sticker, the young man bursts into tears again.

He hesitates a little bit but finally, he takes the courage to dial Nino's number, to give him a report about the disaster he created. He tries to stop sobbing before the other picks up the phone but he knows he fails.

"Ohno-senpai?" Nino's voice asks as soon as the free-line signal disappears.

Ohno's voice fails him and he can't control the desperate sob leaving his lips. "Nino…"

"Senpai?" this time, Nino sounds shocked. "Are you crying? What's going on?"

"Nino, I…I…," the other man continues sobbing and lifts his hand to his mouth as if pressing his fingers against his lips will keep them from trembling. He then tries to voice some words, but he knows that nothing useful is leaving his mouth.

"Calm down, Ohno-senpai," his friend says in a worried voice. "I can't understand you. What happened?"

The arts student takes a deep breath, trying to calm his voice at least for one explaining sentence. "I told him. I told him that I'm not a woman… and he… he…"

"He…," even without finishing the sentence, Ohno is sure that Nino got what must have happened. At least, his pitiful reaction makes him conclude this. "Oh Senpai… I'm so sorry to hear that. What did he say?"

"He left," the older man sobs. "He didn't say much and just left."

"Gosh, really? How could he?"

"I guess it's too much of a shock. It's my own fault… It's... It's because I'm not a woman," Ohno manages to say before another wave of tears floods his vision.

"Stop that, please, it's not your fault!" Nino's stern but caring voice reaches the young man's ear but it feels so distant, it feels so unreal, it sounds like a lie to him.

"I can't bear this," he sobs. "Now that I finally found him, I dreamed my whole life about him and now he's gone... I want to die."

Nino raises his voice, sounding genuinely shocked. "Don't talk such crap, Senpai! You're scaring me!"

Nevertheless, Ohno somehow cannot stop the train of his thoughts running wild, heading towards that chasm that opens in front of him, leading into just a huge black hole of nothing. Ohno cannot help but stare at it, stare at it and let it grow, as if it is real, just in front of his eyes. His voice must be only a distant whisper and he isn't even sure any longer if it still reaches his friend through the phone. "Maybe, I will be luckier in my next life and I'll be reborn as a woman again…"

"Ohno-senpai, listen to me!" Nino's voice, sounding a bit hysteric, intrudes Ohno's dark thoughts. "Listen, you're totally fine the way you are and if this Matsumoto doesn't get it, he's a jerk!"

Ohno knows that his friend means it in a good way, but badmouthing Jun isn't helpful at all at the moment. It's not what Ohno thinks about him. He doesn't blame him. He doesn't hate him for hurting him, it's his own fault and he knows it too well. "No, Nino, you don't understand..."

"Send me your address, I'm dropping by," the young man at the other side of the line says determined.

"What?" Ohno frowns.

"Just do it. I won't leave you alone in such a state!" Nino continues. "Don't move, don't do anything stupid and just wait for me. We'll talk about this and we'll find a way, I promise!"

- + -

Ohno doesn't care that he still is dressed as a woman and that his make-up must be smeared all over his face from crying when he opens the door and finds Nino in front of it. He doesn't care when the other looks at him a bit surprised – of course, it's the first time that he sees him dressed as a woman – and checks the name plate in front of the apartment, just to make sure he got the right one. Ohno immediately bursts out into tears again as soon as Nino is inside, his hands hiding his face and his knees are so weak that he almost breaks down again, if not for Nino who catches him and guides him back into the living room to make him sit down on his bed again.

The young man seems a bit unsure about what to do, about how to deal with his fellow schoolmate now, but he seems determined to help and this alone is enough of a reason for Ohno to lean towards the other and hide his face against his shoulder. Soon after, he feels Nino's hand patting his head, comfortingly.

"Ohno-senpai, listen to me. I know we don't know each other too well yet, but we are friends, right?" the other man starts in a friendly voice. "And I'm convinced that you are a wonderful person no matter if you’re a man or a woman or whatever in between. You're beautiful, both, as a girl as well as a man, believe me. And if that Matsumoto guy doesn't see it, then there will be another man who sees it and he'll love you the way you deserve to be loved."

Ohno appreciates the friendly words and he knows, Nino means well but the thought alone of replacing Jun in his life cuts so deep into his heart that he cannot stand it. It's impossible. "No, he is the one! He's the only one for me, I don't want another man. We're meant to be together. It's just… I don't know, I must have done something really bad in my past life if God punished me like this. Why can't I be a woman? Why?"

Nino sighs, sympathetically. "But didn't you say you like being a man? That you're fine with how things are?"

He's right… "I am, but he obviously is not. If I can't be a woman, I can't be loved by him, you see?"

"Did he say that to you?" the young student asks.

Ohno sits up again, reaching his fingers to wipe away some tears. "He said that I made him believe that I'm a woman and that I betrayed him… and that he needs time to think about this. Nino, I'm sure he will never ever look at me the same way, he will never call me or be willing to meet me, since I'm not a woman," he lets out all of his sorrows, all of his fears, pouring them in front of his friend.

"Ohno-senpai…," Nino murmurs and Ohno can see that the young man is about to protest but he fears the words filled with hope that might not become true, so he cuts his friend before he can say even more.

"I want to be a woman, really. I want to have him back…," Ohno whispers.

"But you are what you are, Senpai!" Nino speaks up. "And there's nothing wrong with it."

"But what, if I really become a woman?" the older continues. "Don't you think he'll be able to love me then?"

"What are you talking about?" Nino frowns.

"I don't know… I… I might be able to get surgery or something," Ohno says, his voice quivering.

"To switch gender?!" Nino gapes at him. He doesn't look convinced by this idea. "Are you crazy?! You're not even convinced yourself that you're a woman only, aren't you?"

"But Nino, if Jun-kun-," the young man wants to argue but Nino puts his hands on Ohno's shoulders and shakes him slightly to force him to look at him. Desperately, the student looks into his friend's eyes, knowing that the other will not be able to help him.

"Matsumoto isn't the one who should decide for you which gender you want to be. It's your decision and I got to know as a very self-confident and happy young person who has no issue with his gender queerness and I think it's the best way to deal with it. It's admirable! You shouldn't press yourself into one role if you are more than that," Nino tries to convince Ohno.

He has to admit, if he would be simply confused over his gender right now, if it would be just a random man who confuses him, making him doubt himself, this little speech would have worked wonders. But this is different, this concerns the love of his life, his soulmate and Ohno thinks that he is willing to risk things for it if he can protect it, he is willing to sacrifice parts of himself, if he can get back what he lost.

"All of this must be just a huge mistake," Ohno mumbles. "I am a mistake... Fate must be kidding me."

"Stop that now, Senpai, you don't know what you're talking," Nino shakes him again, "Maybe, fate is just challenging you? You and Matsumoto. To see if you both are worth being reunited?"

Ohno considers his friend’s words, of course, and yeah, maybe they make sense but right now, he's just so desperate that he cannot think straight, he just wants Jun back no matter what it takes. "I may lose, Nino, really. But if I can win Matsumoto back if I become a woman, I should try it at least."

"This is crazy, really," Nino whispers.

"I'll do the surgery," Ohno says after a few seconds of silence.

Nino shakes his head, frowning. "No, Senpai, you shouldn’t decide this so quickly, you hear me? You're confused, you're desperate, you're shocked because Matsumoto left but please, think about it, wait for a few days," the younger student tries to talk him out of it, out of his plan, his maybe only chance of succeeding and winning the competition against fate. "And if then, you really still consider it, go and talk with a specialist. I'll go with you if you want to. But don't decide this just because you got dumped by that idiot."

"I love that idiot, Nino," Ohno feels the tears welling up in his eyes again. "I love him so much!"

"And if he really loves you too, he will not want to have such a big upheavel in your existence," Nino argues. "Think about it if he's really worth it if he can't love you the way you are."

"He's worth anything," Ohno sobs, breaking down in tears again, while Nino takes him in his arms.


Chapter 5 – Part 1